MY Story

 “Kathryn.” He often called to me in the quiet hours. I was an angry, out of control 18 year old and I didn’t want to hear from Him.

“Kathryn, come back to me.” I covered my ears with my hands. I wished He would shut up.

“Kathryn, I love you.”

In my minds eye I could see Jesus bending down towards me, His arms reaching out. I squeezed my eyes shut trying to block out the image.

Finally with a clenched fist raised I shouted, “Go away. Leave me alone. I hate you for being a man. I hate you because you could have stopped all this. It’s your fault I turned out this way. I hate you so much! Leave me alone!”

That scene took place, alone on my sofa in as a teenager in 1979.

I grew up on a non-denominational, Bible believing church, accepted Jesus in my heart as a child and was baptized early on. I had a decent knowledge of the Bible’s contents; where the stories were and even many of the lessons they taught. If I had to pick one thing to thank my mother for it would have to be making sure we always went to church every week rain or shine. Sunday mornings, Sunday nights and Wednesday nights. No exceptions unless we were sick. It was as certain as going to school. That steady weekly attendance built a foundation that would sustain me later in life even though I didn’t know it at the time. Many years from this point overwhelming circumstances would enter my life and bring me to a crossroads and everything I learned in church while growing up would become very personal.  

No childhood is perfect, and I certainly had trauma and heartache in mine. Sexually assaulted during my childhood and raped as a teenager, I had serious issues that were far bigger than I could possibly handle and no one to turn to. I was angry and emotionally shattered. I didn’t dare tell anyone of these events, they wouldn’t understand, and I kept my feelings hidden down deep inside. I later sought counseling for the trauma resulting from these events but at this point I was two different people. I lacked any authenticity. Who I was with my church friends was not who I was with my secular friends. People knew the "surface" me but the real me was deeply hidden, locked up tight.  The girl who people saw on the outside was not who I was on the inside. On the outside I tried to look like the happy, good little Christian girl but on the inside, I was a raging war zone and it would be years before I allowed God a place in my heart.  Instead of submitting my heart to God as I had been taught, I chose to be angry. I chose to live as a victim, and I chose to justify my behavior because of "what was done to me". 

Wanting so badly to belong and to be liked I opened the door to an immoral lifestyle, drugs, and alcohol every chance I got to fill what I believed I needed. I let myself believe the lies the world that how I looked defined me, that men defined me. Thoughts of suicide were ever-present however my few “attempts” at that time were in reality a cry for help more than the desire for death.  More serious thoughts of that increased over the years. 

I left home. I left church. I hated God.

This is a terrible place of loneliness that so many people find themselves in. I was at odds with my family, quickly loosing many of my Christian friends, emotionally scarred and without hope. I wanted to have the desire to be "good" but I just didn’t. I was comfortable with my anger and there were those who were all too willing to temporarily fill my loneliness. I went from relationship to relationship, each one leaving me bitter and more alienated. I didn't think life wasn’t supposed to be this way and I kept waiting for my knight in shining armor to carry me away to his castle where we would live happily ever after.

“The Lord is near to all who call upon Him, to all who call upon Him in truth. Ps. 145:18 (NAS).

Are you kidding? He was the last person I was going to go to for help. Fear and anger got in the way of that first step of crying out to Him. And so, I continued on in that place of emotional isolation yet at the same time sought help through psychiatric care, which in the end only made me feel inferior, damaged and offered little hope.

I desperately wanted to get pregnant, certain that a baby would fill the ever-present hole in my life, and I longed for someone who I could love and who would love me back unconditionally and most of all, one who would never leave or cause me pain. Having four siblings I always hoped to have five children of my own desiring the security of a large family. I believed it to be the only scenario for happiness.

On October 25, 1982 I gave birth to the child that would forever change me. As I held that new little life in my arms, I was certain I would never love as much as I did in that moment. Justin had completely captured my heart. Later in life I would look back and see God’s mercy and love in giving me Justin. He was the catalyst God used to bring me back to Himself. I had married the father during my pregnancy but having a history of unstable relationships and my love/hate attitude toward men, that marriage was a two-year battle that I eventually lost. 

We had so much fun, Justin and I. We would read together, laugh, sing, put music on and dance around the house. He was my life support and I clung passionately to him.  Although my lifestyle didn’t change he was a shining light that I could come home to and feel safe with. When Justin was almost 2 I became pregnant again. Thrilled to think my security net was being added to nothing could dampen my spirits. Life was grand.

One afternoon during a routine checkup the Dr. expressed concern that I didn’t have morning sickness. An ultrasound was ordered and the next day I got his awful phone call. “This pregnancy will kill you if it isn’t terminated.” he said.

“We need to get you into surgery today” he continued, “I’ll meet you at the hospital.”

The news that I would lose my baby was devastating. Within hours I was admitted to the hospital preparing for the surgery that would take my child from me.

Alone in that hospital room I collapsed into sobs mourning the loss that was to come.  “Please save my baby’s life.” I pleaded with my doctor as the nurses wheeled me into the surgery room."   He assured me that he would try, but, of course, he couldn’t, and the surgery left scaring that would keep me from getting pregnant again. I did not just lose my baby. I felt like a murderer. I believed that because of my lifestyle my baby lost its life.   Was God getting back at me for the way I lived? That's what I believed.

That experience combined with the past trauma was the root of depression and bitterness that would last for years. I got a divorce and desperately clung to the son I had. He was my life. Then one day all that I had learned in church came rushing back to me. Heaven, Hell, Salvation. I remembered asking Jesus in my heart so very long ago and I knew it was permanent, I knew I was His child but He seemed so far away. I thought about my lifestyle, falsely believing that if I did not change Justin would grow up and not know God and then it would be my fault if he died and went to Hell. I could not bear the burden of being responsible for the physical death of one child and the spiritual death of another.  

“God,” I cried out, “I only have one son, just like you. I know I don’t deserve to ask you anything, and I’m sure you don’t even like me but please, save my son. Take my name out of your Book of Life if you want, send me to Hell if you want but save my son. Put his name in my place. I can’t raise him by myself, but you can. You raise him. Please take my son and save him.” I begged.

Those words are forever etched in my mind.   Faulty thinking for sure.   I knew God didn't bargain like that, nevertheless it was my cry to Him. There I was asking God to do something that I knew I could not do myself.  That pleading of a mother’s heart and that desire for my son’s salvation was the seed that would someday grow into a ministry for others.

Up until now I had had little interest in going back to church for myself. My mother had been faithfully picking Justin up each week so he could attend Sunday school. Desiring change I planned my escape from the lifestyle I was living.  I could not, I would not raise my son in this current environment. I decided it was time to check out church again. So, the two of us started going together.

For two years I played hokey pokey with God. One foot in and one foot out. I tried to walk two different paths.  I wanted God's way, but I wasn't ready to give up some areas of my life. Nevertheless, unknown to me God was quietly working to soften my heart. Slowly He reeled me in, and I knew I needed Him. I asked Him for a fresh start.

Justin accepted Jesus as his Savior at 4 ½ years of age. Here are his words as written when he was 10.

“When I was 4 ½ years old I received the Lord into my heart on February 5, 1987. I was in my grandma’s house alone. I sat on a chair that my uncle made. At that time, I realized that I did not know the Lord. Immediately I received the Lord on my own. Then I jumped up for joy and ran outside where my grandma was working. Then I told her what had happened. Then we celebrated.”

Simply done and yet sincere. He remembers that date as the day he was saved. Jesus said, “Truly I tell you, whoever doesn't receive the kingdom of God as a little child will never get into it at all." (Luke 18:17 ISV) They come with excitement and complete dependency. God was answering my prayer of years earlier.

My son was saved and I had just gotten married again. I expected life to smooth out now that I had asked God to take control but that does not always happen. A common misconception is when one gives the reins to God all the work is done and we can sit back and relax while wonderful experiences come into our life. In fact, the work is just starting. How could I ask God to fix in one day a life that I had worked for years to mess up? He certainly could, should He choose to, but in my situation, it was to be a long road and I had many lessons still to learn. 

A Mother’s Prayer

The sweetest sound heard through our earthly home, 
The brightest ray that gleams from heaven’s dome,
The loveliest flower that e’er from earth’s breast rose,
That purest flame that, quivering, gleams and glows,
Are found alone, where kneels a mother mild`
With heart uplifted, praying for her child.

The stream of tears can never cease to flow
Long as life’s sun shall shine on us below;
And many angels have been sent by God
To count the tear-drops wept upon life’s road;
But of all the tears that flow, the least defiled
Are when a mother prays beside her child.

Because it is to mortal eyes unseen,
Ye call it foolishness, a childish dream,
In vain, ye cannot rob me of that thought,
That legend with such heavenly sweetness fraught,
That blessed angels have for ages smiled
To see a mother praying for her child.

Anonymous

The desire to raise Justin as a Christian grew stronger and I knew I had to take action. I was determined to make my life count, to make a difference but my heart was still broken over the knowledge I would not have any more children. It affected relationships with my friends that were having babies and with my younger siblings who were also starting families of their own. I alienated anyone and anything that had to do with babies and unknown to me Justin saw this as a lack of acceptance. I thought I could hide my feelings, but they were coming out in other ways.  I allowed that hurt to linger and take root in my heart and that root of bitterness grew and caused trouble, (Hebrews 12:15).   It came to a head when he was about 11.

My brother and his wife just had their second baby. I was trying to explain to Justin why I didn’t want to go see them and how my heart was still hurting over my own loss. Sitting on the steps of our home, confused because what I preached and how I acted were different, with simple honesty he said, “I don’t feel like I’m enough for you.” I will never forget those words or the lesson it taught me. Can you imagine the impact of what he said? I felt like a truck had hit me in the chest. I had no idea I was hurting the one person that meant everything to me. I asked his forgiveness and determined from that day forward not to let my anger and emotional wounds hurt him...to work on going in a different direction and allow God to further change me.

Past failures and hurts are just that. They are in the past and nothing you can do will change that and yet one of the most difficult things to do is to just let that sorrow go.  " For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death ."  2 Corinthians 7:10 (ESV)

It was said to me the other day that Jesus died between two thieves.  The past and the future.   Both rob one of present joy. I was drowning in sorrow and regrets. Sorrow over my past lifestyle, sorrow over my lost baby, sorrow that I had hurt my son, Sorrow over the future I had lost, sorrow with life in general.

Godly sorrow, according to God, brings about a change of mind and life. A change not to be regretted. The kind of sorrow the world has is grief for failure not for sin.

I wanted to change more than anything.  I wanted to follow God's instructions on raising a child.  I set my mind to spend the remaining years as a mom to be the best mom I could, focused on the Lord, character, and integrity.  I revisited a portion of my old prayer. It went something like this.

“Lord, You’ve given me one incredible son but I can’t raise him as well as you can. Please, God, take Justin and raise him. Take up where I leave off and finish it because you will do a much better job than I will. I acknowledge that he’s Yours more than mine and I give him to You again. Raise him as an example to others so that they will see how You can take a train-wreck like me, undeserving of anything good and through me bring forth something good.  That my past, because of You, does not define me and does have something to offer the future.”

In Deut. 6: 6-9 Moses talks to the Israelites about raising children.

"These words which I am commanding you today shall be on your heart; and you shall teach them diligently to your sons, and talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down, and when you rise up. And you shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontals on your forehead. And you shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates." (NASB)

Children watch you. They absorb your values; they see your behavior and then emulate it until there are little “yous” running around. Do you want your children to be just like you? Are your actions and your words such as you would want them to copy? If you see yourself in them, would you be pleased? They will learn from your behavior more than your advice.

One cannot teach what one does not possess. I wanted to raise a son who followed Jesus and I wanted him to see that in my life.   My own mother, by example, taught me to laugh at myself, how to live with joy even when things are hard, to go to church regularly, to stay rooted by reading God's word daily, and keep God in my life.....abide.  I needed to clarify and pursue that which I wanted to pass on to Justin and then on to my grandchildren. The Apostle Paul charges Timothy (who, by the way was raised by a godly mother and grandmother) "Have nothing to do with godless myths and old wives’ tales; rather, train yourself to be godly. I Timothy 4:7 (NIV).  And then a little later "But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness." I Timothy 6:11 (NIV)

Not being sure where to start or what to do differently I continued on as I had trusting God to lead the way.

The speaker at a women’s retreat I attended a year or so later was Daisy Hepburn. She mentioned that she prayed through a Bible for her grandchildren and then gave it to them. That little comment planted a seed and a year of continuing personal spiritual growth gave it the watering it needed, and the year Justin entered public high school that seed sprouted.

Having home-schooled him through Jr. High I was apprehensive about him leaving my nest of security where I controlled what went into his life to go out into the world without my watchful eye. This was a big deal to me. It was Daniel going into Babylon and I had to trust God to watch over him but I knew there was something I could do as well and God reminded me of all the mothers in the Bible who prayed for their sons and how He answered. He reminded me of what Daisy has done so I set my mind to praying.  I also asked one person/couple who I knew were committed Believers and walked with the Lord and had a consistent prayer life to commit to praying for him for one year.  I did this four times, for each year of high school.

I bought a Bible with enough margin room for notes and blank pages in the back for letters to Justin. I wanted to be able to write to him letters of encouragement and wisdom. I wanted him to know about the many pitfalls I fell into and to warn him of them. I wanted the room to write whatever God put in my heart. Starting in the front cover with a note telling him what I was doing and why, I committed to pray for him every day. Every time he would see a verse underlined he would know I prayed that scripture for him with his name inserted. James 5:16 says “…The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.” (KJV) I believed it. I counted on it. I was pretty sure God would not turn away from a mother pleading to Him for her son’s spiritual life. 

Effectual and fervent I understood, but righteous?  I didn't feel righteous enough, good enough.  Were my i's dotted and my t's crossed before I started? Prayer often left me wondering if God really heard me. Notice it does not say "a spiritual man", but a "righteous man" and righteousness is not something we do. Righteousness is our position in Christ. We are righteous based on our faith in Jesus (Romans 3:24, 5:1).  When our children come to us and really need to talk, we don't ask them if they've taken a bath, washed behind their ears and brushed their teeth.  We welcome them to talk to us. God welcomes us as well, even when we're messy.  And when we come to Him, He hears us, and fervent prayer accomplishes much.

II Timothy 3: 16-17 reminds us that “All Scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness; that the man of God may be adequate, equipped for every good work.” (NASB). It covers everything in life and I wanted my son completely covered.

So, I read and prayed cover to cover. Starting with Genesis I wrote about marriage, mistakes I had made, and my hopes for his life. In Psalms telling him of the value of lament and praise, the importance of thanksgiving.  I wanted to encourage him to cling to truth, and to see circumstances as opportunities to trust God. Continuing to Proverbs with all its wisdom. Let me pause to share a story.

As a sophomore in High School Justin decided to run for class representative. He was a little guy with glasses and braces, he would call himself a nerd, and he was running against a very popular guy. Justin, it seemed didn’t have a chance, but he had such confidence. I sent him off to school the day of the election with great encouragement then sat down to read my Bible. My reading that morning happened to be Proverbs 16:33 “The lot is cast into the lap, but its every decision is from the Lord” (NASB) Do you know Justin won the election that day! I wrote about that in margin the next morning. It's a small example but a lesson nevertheless in God’s sovereignty that also gave me a better perspective of my life. God has complete control. Nothing is a surprise, and everything has a purpose for our good and His glory.

Well, I continued through the Old Testament enjoying writing notes about prophecy. I read on into the New Testament talking about the life of Jesus, Christian living and then Heaven. 

It took me just over 2 years to get through that Bible. The morning that I finished Revelation was a difficult one. A work that I had poured my heart and soul into was completed. The last 2 pages contain my final letter to him and a prayer for him. They are without doubt the most tear-stained pages of them all. Although there was a sense of finality, I knew it was not in vain.

I sat there with the Bible on my lap for quite a while. Not really wanting to let go and wondering if I had forgotten anything. I flipped through the pages one last time, took a deep breath and decisively closed it. Holding it close to my heart I slowly climbed the stairs and reverently wrapped it up to give to him at Christmas.

I have watched God work in his life through his storms and in times of calm, when he walked away (yes, he did for several years) and when he returned, and I am still seeing the impact of daily praying scripture and lifting him before our Sovereign Lord. God has been faithful, and that faithfulness has made it easier to hold him with an open hand and release him into the world knowing he is in God’s loving care. I think one of the hardest things for a parent to do is let go and allow God to work in their child's life until our faith becomes their own. That is often so difficult and all we can do is....pray. 

 I have a sign at my desk that reads "I am never so high as when I am on my knees".

Since then, I have read and prayed through a Bible for many others including one for each of my own grandchildren.  Each one had a different theme depending on their individual situations and personalities.  I find that through each one I am also changed and challenged. How I pray has changed, it's become so personal. My time of prayer has become a dialogue...it's more of a relationship instead of a list of what I want or need.  It’s a spiritual journey that has drawn me closer to my heavenly Father and I marvel at His amazing grace and mercy.

Several years ago, I had an opportunity to confront a childhood assailant, the brother of my friend. It was at his father’s funeral. Certainly not the ideal place for a confrontation but the reality of him being right there and knowing I would probably never see him again caused me to really think about it. I sat there with a familiar anger smoldering inside of me. The old feelings of helplessness commingled with the new sense of power and self-confidence. The temptation to use this moment to ruin his life as I believed he had done to mine was strong. Did he have any idea the impact...the scars he'd left on me? The memories that were etched in my mind. I considered the satisfaction I could have as his wife and children looked on. The humiliation he would feel at being revealed as a child-molester.

I walked out of there not saying a word. He may or may not have even been aware of my presence. Joseph said it so well in Genesis 50:19,20 “…..Do not be afraid, for am I in God’s place? As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good….”(NIV)

It doesn’t matter where you’ve been in life; there is no situation that God cannot reach. There is always hope and God can take any life and use it for His glory to impact future generations. I am living proof that He can take a deeply stained life and make it white.  He can take a hard heart and soften it.  “Come now, let us reason together, says the Lord: though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool."  Isaiah 1:18.  It’s what He does. He doesn't put us on a shelf as damaged goods.  He doesn't waste a hurt.

Let me return to that devotional section about the adulterous woman. It ends…

“ There are no tears as she leaves. Years later there will be. At odd moments during the day: when she looks at her children asleep in their beds; when she waves good-bye to her husband as he walks to work in the morning; when she kneads bread in the solitude of her kitchen.

A marriage she never would have had…a family she never would have had…a life she never would have had – were it not for such a wonderful Savior. A Savior who stood up for her when others wanted to stone her. A Savior who stooped to pick her up and send her on her way, forgiven.”

Think to yourself for a moment. What area in your life have you surrendered, not accepted His forgiveness? What are you holding on to? It’s hard to grow while carrying a ball and chain of guilt.  I know it's easier said than done.  The burden of guilt has been a struggle for me.  I battled with anger, Post-Traumatic Stress  (PTS) and co-dependent behavior which the Bible calls "fear of man", and depression "a crushed spirit". I found great help in Dr. Dan Allender's book "The Wounded Heart", Neil Anderson's "Steps to Freedom in Christ",  Tammy Brown's Bible Study "Healed and Set Free" and Elyse Fitzpatrick's "Idols of the Heart" along with Christian counseling and a lot of prayer and support.  That's a whole 'nother story.  Loosen your grip. Surrender it to Him....really surrender.  I don't do it perfectly and it's often daily.  What I do know is that we have a big God, who is bigger than our mistakes and our mountains...who stands before you now and says "come with me, if you want.  Let me help you.  I'll give you everything you need".  

If you find yourself in this place, with this desire, let me encourage you to enter the battle. Choose the hard path of examining your heart and seeing your life through the lens of the Gospel and God's love and sovereignty.  Find a godly friend or Biblical Counselor  to walk alongside you and help you lament Biblically as you acknowledge the pain while trusting in God's goodness. Get into discipleship and allow God to take that experience and use it to help someone else for His glory.... that we will be able to "comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. " 2 Corinthians 1:4 (NASB).

There’s a lot I had hoped for in my life that I will never have, mostly because of my own foolish choices but also things that were out of my control.  A more recent event destroyed my family unit and my role and as wife and mom, but I can look back and see God’s hand of protection even then. When Satan wanted to test Job God said he could go so far but no further. I can see where God set boundaries on my life as well. He keeps a sovereign watchful eye over His children and although He does allow difficult and sometimes crushing situations to enter our lives they are never without a purpose, never out of His control.  Often God will allow circumstances in our lives to produce a change that would not have happened any other way. I once read "There are some things that success cannot produce.  Some things can only be produced by struggle....He is the God of the mountains and the valleys". No experience is ever wasted. "Failure is not fatal." There is purpose even though you may not see it right now. All of it is in God's providential plan.  

 "Before I was afflicted, I went astray, but now I obey your word"...... "It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees"  Psalm 119:67,71 (NIV)

When I look back and think about all my scars....the things I’ve done and that were done to me and then see where I am today, I can honestly say..."Thank you, Lord".  A lesser pain for me would not have gotten my attention.

Journal entry November 2, 2012 

“Thank you, Lord, for breaking my heart.  It is through this broken heart that I am learning to trust you.  I am watching you take care of me. Because of this broken heart our talks have become so much deeper.  Breaking my heart opened a door into a world I could not have otherwise entered, relating to people…. now….. that I could never have understood.  Breaking my heart allows you to mold me into a shape I would never have chosen for myself Thank you for loving this broken heart."

 "Let the redeemed of the Lord tell their story - those He redeemed from the hand of the foe." Psalm 107:2 (NIV) 

Our lives are a multi-colored tapestry of events. Some are dark, others are busy and bright, but all have a story to tell. And there are those with a beautiful golden thread of prayer woven in and out and through it. Oh, to be the needle that God uses in the weaving of that thread and then one day to see the completed work, knowing you had a part.  What a tremendous joy.